


Thirdhand Lines

by heavensends



Category: Dalton Academy Series
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-04-11 21:47:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19118341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heavensends/pseuds/heavensends
Summary: Julian first fell into the spiral of drug addiction on the set of Secondhand Lines freshmen year. Then he got sober, went back to Dalton, started dating Riley Paige, and appeared to have everything under control. Until today, when Derek and Logan learn Julian is not okay.





	1. Chapter 1

With Dalton down six points with two minutes left in the fourth quarter, victory feels like a long shot and all that is running through Derek’s mind is “push, push, push.” He’ll do whatever it takes. On the field, everything else washes away and it is just a matter of get it done or go down trying.

“Touchdown Dalton!” And with that, he secures the win.

Derek takes deep sighs of relief as he exits the field through the tunnel and into the locker room, eyeing the Kentucky cheerleaders passing by him with their short skirts and bouncing pompoms. The adrenaline has been pumping through him when he becomes aware of the noise of a low hum. Quickly he realizes it’s the sound of a phone, coming from his gym bag, vibrating. He picks up.

“Hello?”

“Yeah. I just, uh, I need a ride.” Julian Larson sounds shaky in a way he never sounds shaky. Or at least hasn’t for a long time. Julian stutters out a story. “I forgot my wallet. I lost my phone. And I can’t ask Riley because of I just, I can’t….I don’t even remember his number.”

“Breathe, Larson. It’s okay.”

“So you can come?”

“Well, listen, Jules-“ Why’d this shit have to happen during an away game?

“Please Derek,” Julian whines. “I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t fucking important.” 

“Did you really lose your wallet?”

“I told you my whole bag I-“

“You should report it stolen if it was taken.”

“It wasn’t taken, dammit, I just forgot it.” Julian’s tone shifts from whiny to angry and Derek furrows his brow. Things start clicking in his head about what this call is really about.

“You forgot it? Where are you and how did you get there?”

“Derek I called you because you’re the only person I trust. The only person. So are you going to criticize and interrogate me or help me out?” 

“What’s the address?”

“2225 Northshore Drive, Rittman” Not exactly the nice part of town. If Derek was suspicious a second ago now he’s certain.

“Jesus, Julian. Just stay where you are. Please, hang tight and I’ll get you.” 

Phone static. Fuck. Derek’s in Kentucky and Julian’s out on some street corner. Probably on some drug deal gone wrong. 

There are really only three options here. He could leave Julian to fend for himself, which he really didn't want to do. He could call an adult, maybe someone at Dalton or Julian's agent or maybe his parents and tell them he thinks Julian's back on drugs. But that’d probably end up with Julian getting suspended from the one place that he actually feels safe at. And they'd want him to go to rehab, which he won't want to do after what happened to him there last time. So really that only leaves him with a third and only choice: to send a proxy, in the form of Logan Wright, Julian’s other best friend. Or at least he used to be.

When Logan pulls up, Julian’s still slumped on the sidewalk by the pay phone, with a cut lip and bruised chin. Logan takes a deep breath before approaching his old friend. He can’t remember when they’ve talked more than a few words of pleasantries in the dorm room hallway. Not that Julian’s been staying many nights in the dorm lately anyway because he’s always at Riley Paige’s house. Riley, Julian's boyfriend, who Logan thinks is really good for Julian, really. I mean, at first, he was a little shocked that Julian wanted to be with a guy at all. And a bit hurt he didn’t tell him he was bi. But now he’s happy for them. Or he was, until today, when Derek called him up telling him to pick up Julian on some street corner because he might be in trouble. Which made him wonder, why isn’t Riley picking him up?

When Julian looks up and sees Logan, he tries to bolt. Logan grabs him around his waist, which causes Julian to try and wrestle his way out, causing Logan to hold him tighter until Julian surrenders and slumps down into his arms.

Logan gently cups Julian’s face. “Jesus, Larson. Who did this to you?”

“What the fuck are you doing here? I wanted Derek.”

“Yeah? Well, you can’t always get what you want.”

Then suddenly Julian starts crying, hard. Logan hasn’t seen Julian cry before, ever, and he feels a sharp pain in his chest listening to it now.

“Derek would be here. He’s just-.”

“He hates me. Everyone hates me.”

“Nobody hates you.” 

“Riley, Jake, Sebastian, Natasha, Clark, Cameron, Danny, Derek, Logan” Julian keeps crying, thrashing his head back and forth. 

“Hey, Julian look at me. Derek doesn’t hate you. He’s just at an away game. I don’t hate you. That’s why I’m here. You’re just going through something right now. It’s okay.” Logan rubs Julian’s back instinctively.

Then Julian abruptly stops crying as quickly as he started and gets in Logan’s car. They ride back to school in silence. 

When they get back, Julian makes a beeline for his dorm. Logan follows him, stopping Julian from slamming his door and following him into his bathroom. 

“Logan, I’m serious. Just go away,” Julian says.

“You’re crazy if you think I’m going to leave you alone right now,” Logan spouts back. 

Julian slams his fists into the counter.

“Look I know you’re upset-“

“I’m not upset. I’m in withdrawal. And I need you to leave me alone and just let me take my fucking drugs in peace before it gets worse, okay?”

“Well, I can’t let you do that.”

“You’re going to have to.”

Logan doesn’t budge.

“Lo, please. Please. It’ll be the last time I promise,” Julian says.

“No. Look, I’m not leaving this room while you overdose, so if you’re going to take something I’m going to watch you do it.”

“That’s pretty fucked up.”

“It’s okay. Go ahead.” Logan sits down on Julian’s bathroom floor, unwilling to budge.

Logan knows what kind of drugs Julian did, when he got bad. Still, Logan is not prepared to watch his friend smoke crack in front of him or have to catch his head when he collapses with pleasure.


	2. Chapter 2

Eight minutes after inhalation, the euphoria starts to wear off and Julian gets a pained look in his eyes.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Logan asks, breaking the silence.

“Nothing, I just want another hit.” It’s the honest answer. Logan’s heart sinks.

“Jules, you need help.”

“Don’t start.”

“Jules-“

“And stop calling me that,” Julian says angrily.

“I’ll call you Jules if I want to call you Jules,” Logan whispers.

“If you keep calling me that I’m going to make you leave.”

Logan doesn’t really understand why Julian cares what he calls him. But it does make him sad. But he figures that Julian isn’t exactly in a good state of mind right now so he lets it go.

Julian gets up and throws on his jacket, starts lacing up his sneakers.

“Now where do you think you’re going?”

“Debate team meeting.”

“Fuck, Julian. Don’t you think you should stay in tonight?”

“If I don’t go Riley will wonder where I am.”

Logan frowns. “Why do you care what Riley thinks?”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I just mean you’re broken up, so why does it matter?”

Julian looks confused. “We’re not broken up.”

“You told me you were.”

“I never said that. Like usual you just jump to conclusions.”

“Hey, it’s a fair assumption that goody two shoes Eagle Scout Rylie Paige isn’t going to be okay with his boyfriend smoking crack cocaine.”

Julian paces.

“He doesn’t know. About any of it. He hates drugs. His brother -Logan you can’t tell Riley, okay?”

Logan pauses, taking in this new information. Then he says, “Jules, he’s going to find out eventually.”

To which Julian replies, “Fuck you Logan,” and heads for the door. Logan follows him.

“You can’t just come to debate club. You’re not in it.”

“I don’t care.”

Riley looks chipper as he notices them walk in across the room. How dare he just be normal on a day like this, Logan thinks. Julian sits in the seat beside Riley and kisses him hello, who is caught a little off guard by the PDA. He then looks up at Logan, surprised to see him.

“Hi, Logan,” Riley says, not unkindly.

  
Logan nods. “Paige.”

  
“No Warblers practice tonight?”

  
“Nope.”

Julian is antsy for the duration of the meeting partly from the cocaine and partly because Logan keeps staring at him.

“Babe can we get out of here?” Julian whispers to Riley.

“Yeah, okay. Wanna go for a walk?”

Julian nods.

For a second Julian worries that Riley is going to ask Logan to come with them, but luckily he doesn’t.

As the sun starts to set, Riley and Julian walk around the campus lake, to their “spot” where there’s a small garden with a Wisteria tree.

“So what’s the deal with Logan?” Riley asks, gently.

“There’s no deal. He must like debate.”

“No I mean, he’s your best friend, right? Yet he’s never around. Are you guys okay?”

“A - He’s a busy person. And B -You don’t even like Logan. So what’s it to you?”

“What makes you say I don’t like him?”

“You’re trying to take down the boarding house system. As the Stuart Prefect, he’s your enemy number one .”

“I don’t hate people, J. Especially not ones I barely know. And who matter to you.” Julian doesn’t really know what to say to that.

They arrive at their tree in darkness and start kissing.

Julian is unzipping Riley’s jeans when Riley puts his head again Julian’s chest.

“Your heart is beating so fast.”

“Too much coffee,” Julian says as he feels the guilt rise in his stomach.

“You Stuarts and your coffee.”

Riley pauses as moonlight catches Julian’s face. “I think your lip is bleeding, J.”

To which Julian responds by biting Riley’s lip, hard, so he’s bleeding too. To the relief of Julian, this does lead to sex. Sometimes being high makes it difficult.

When they finish Riley asks Julian,” You staying with me tonight?”

“Can’t we just stay here?” Julian asks. He wishes they could stay in their little garden forever. Julian also really wants to sleep in Riley’s bed tonight because he knows that in the dorms Derek’s going to lecture him all night and make him feel even more guilty for relapsing. But at Riley’s house there’s a bigger problem, Jake. And then there’s the matter of wanting to do a few lines to help with the come down.

Julian, “I better just crash at Stuart.”

Riley nods and walks him to Stuart House.

“Night dragon.” Julian kisses Riley good night and plasters on his signature smirk.

“You sure you’re good?”

“Night dragon.” Julian repeats and heads inside.


	3. Chapter 3

When Julian walks into his room Logan’s asleep in his bed and Derek is studying mathematics on his floor. Silently, Derek hands him a cup of sleepy time tea. Julian takes a small sip then hands it back, accidentally swooshing the hot liquid into Derek’s lap. Julian looks panicked.

“It’s okay. It’s mostly water.” Derek starts stripping down, digging into Julian’s drawer for a change of clothes. He sees some of his own shirts, a bittersweet reminder of a simpler time when Derek and Julian sleepovers didn’t include hard drug use.

An agitated Julian paces around the room, desperate to fill the silence. He spouts, “you know, you could have told me you were in Kentucky.”

“You could have told me you were off the wagon and I wouldn’t have left. You know that.” 

“I’ve got it under control.”

“Oh do you now? How do you figure?”

“I have enough now to last me without having to make any more sketchy deals for a while.”

“So you have enough to put yourself in prison is what you’re saying? That’s just great. You know what, we’re not doing this anymore. I’m calling Travis.”

Julian takes Derek’s iPhone and chucks it toward the window. 

“You’re not calling anyone.”

Logan eyes flutter open.

“You’re actually insane.”

“Julian where were you? I was worried.”

“I was out having sex with my boyfriend. Do you have a problem with that?” Julian snaps.

Logan’s eyebrows furrow.

“Look, this is my room. And I’d like you both to leave.”

Logan flops into Julian’s pillows, clenching onto his comforter. “No.”

Julian grabs Logan by the shoulders, who responds with total resistance as an emaciated Julian triesto push his six foot three body out the door. 

“Okay, okay. It's late. I'm tired.” Derek interjects. “Logan, if he wants to be alone, we should let him.”

Logan concedes, heading into his room. He flops down onto his bed and screams into his pillow.

As soon as the door shuts, Julian rushes to the bathroom and opens his drug drawer only to realize that it’s empty. Of course Derek and Logan took his stash. They can’t handle not being in control, not having a handle on him. And now everytime he wants some, he’s going to have to beg them for it. And they aren’t going to want to give him any. And they’ll try and send him away.

Hot tears start falling down Julian’s face. Unhappy with seeing his reflection staring back at him (it’s just too sad), he slumps down onto the bathroom floor and shuts his eyes tight - trying to will his way to sleep and the world away.

...

Riley and Jake don’t really talk anymore. They just scream at each other. Which is exactly what happens when Riley returns to the Paige house that evening after his walk with Julian. 

“Don’t ruin this family’s good name!”

“You’re not dad!”

“You will be sent away! I will send you. To. Jail.”

Their sentences always come out trite, like out of an 80s film featuring privileged kids with privileged problems and too much bravado.

They’d been dealing with Jake’s worsening casual drug problem for just over two years now.Or rather, Riley has been dealing with it while their parents close their eyes, turn their heads away, and pretend like they don’t know what’s going on with their son.He’s always been emotional, a bit restless, they say. He’s figuring himself out.We just need to wait it out. As a family. Two expulsions later and Riley would think they would know that more time and space wasn’t going to help Jake. He needed boundaries and consequences. Routine.

“Give me your phone!” Riley demands.

“What?”

“Give me your phone, your real one with your dealer’s numbers, and I’ll leave you alone. I’ll leave you alone for three goddamn days, okay?”

Jake squints his eyes at the offer.

“Look I have a really important exam coming up and worrying day in and day out about your whereabouts is the last thing I want to be doing.”

“Fine.”

“I deserve some goddamn peace of mind.”

“I said okay, Riley. Just go away.” And with that, Jake surrenders his phone to his brother. He’s tired of fighting.

The passcode takes a few attempts to guess. And when he does get it, Riley feels guilty just for a second. Of course it’s his birthday. Neopets. They had each other’s birthdays as their passwords when they were kids. He hesitates a moment before deciding that he shouldn’t feel bad about reading the messages. It’s for his brother’s own good. 

Almost all of them are just dealer talk. Thinly veiled drug codes in the form of emojis and symbols.

30[koala]. 12[money eyes]. Addresses.

But there's something different about this thread from “L.” It starts out simply enough, like it might be a dealer.

 

Jake: [Koala] Party @ Rittman Park

L: [Koala] [Koala]

Jake: find me.

 

Then Riley thinks it might be someone Jake is hooking up with.

 

L: So last night…was nice. Really nice. 

Jake: Wanna do it again?

L: Ok.

Jake: U sure?

L: Yeah. I want you.

 

Then Riley's heart drops.

 

Jake: come meet me outside

L: can’t. your brother’s still awake. 

Jake: just say you need fresh air.

L: haha. no.

Jake: laaaame.

 

He keeps scrolling through dozens more like this before getting his final confirmation.

 

Jake: u here?

Jake: Larson???? Hello??????

 

One final conversation lingers at the bottom.

 

L: stop texting me. it’s over.

Jake: you started this.

L: i know. sorry.

 

Riley has half a mind to barge into Jake’s room and confront him right now. But he doesn’t. He also has half a mind to get into his sports car and drive 90 miles an hour to Stuart House, drag Julian out of his dorm room bed and confront  _him_ right now. But he doesn’t. Something inside him doesn’t want to know, not yet, not for sure. Another part of him already knew Julian’s been hiding something from him for months. How could he dismiss the signs? How could he be so trusting? So stupid? And if there's one thing Riley doesn't like feeling, it's stupid. And betrayed.


	4. Chapter 4

It started out innocent enough, maybe the fifth or sixth time Julian had stayed over at Riley’s house. Julian had come down for a glass of water and there Jake was, just a shadow of a person sitting upright on the kitchen table.

“You must be Riley’s brother.”

“You must be Julian fucking Larson.”

Julian had just woken up from a nightmare. It was the usual ghastly imagery. Roses. Blood. So much blood. In a sweat he turned to pull Riley close to him. He even thought about waking him up. But they had only just started dating and it was all kind of new. How quickly had flirting in lab turned into studying under the Wisteria tree into kissing under the Wisteria tree into sleepovers at the Paige house and calling each other their boyfriends? 

And Riley was so confident and self-assured. Julian was, too, of course in a dramatic way. But there was something about Riley, an unshakeable armor - reliable and sturdy, like a rock. Even Julian could appreciate having someone like that in his corner. And with Riley it wasn’t a put-on. He really just was like that, all the time. Whether he was leading the debate team to a victory, or just sitting all alone under the Wisteria adjusting his glasses reading some book on leadership & humanitarianism quietly to himself, he’s Riley. He’s Riley when all eyes are on him and when no one even notices he’s there. 

Julian, on the other hand, often feels like he’s ten different people. Julian the actor. Julian the student. Julian the addict. Julian Larson.™ Jules. J. Who were you getting, really? It was exhausting. Around Julian and Logan he felt most at home, like he could be himself, but even that was made weird when he fell for Logan. Too many secrets. Around Riley, all that pretending fell away. It felt easy. He didn’t want to complicate it with his anxieties. Didn’t want to have to pull Riley into some kind of fucked up fairytale where Julian was a damsel in distress and his dragon Riley had to save him. And Riley looked so peaceful when he slept. So, instead of waking his boyfriend up when he had that horrible nightmare, Julian walked downstairs for that glass of water instead. 

“I’m surprised we haven’t met yet. I’ve been here all week.”

“Well, you know, my family likes to keep me locked in the back.”

Julian chuckled uneasily. 

“So Julian Larson, do you want to smoke a joint with me?”

See, the one thing about Riley is that he was extremely strait-laced. Like, more strait-laced than Derek during post-season. The kid didn’t even drink. Didn’t touch the stuff. He might as well be Mormon except for the fact he enjoyed the occasional Cappuccino. And all this was fine, really. Julian was trying to be mostly sober after all. He was often under contracts that required it of him in order to stay in one film or another. (For insurance purposes and the producer’s peace of mind, his agent told him with an apologetic tone.) But, really, for all practical and legal matters, Julian just needed to stay off the hard stuff: cocaine, ecstasy,meth, and heroin. Alcohol was acceptable, as long as he didn’t drive. Hell, even hallucinogens would probably be okay. LA has a strange tolerance toward drugs, especially ones made of plants. So marijuana? Not that big of a deal. Maybe it’d help him sleep, he figured. Plus Jake could give him some insight on what makes Riley tick. What was underneath all that armor?

“I’d love to.”

 

And, with that, Jake led Julian outside.

 

They ended up talking mostly about nothing, about different upcoming albums and new recording artists mostly, who Julian knew in the industry, and which record labels sucked. (Jake thought all labels are evil, while Julian claimed he knows a few that are owned by some great people, really.) They kind of realized that they don’t really agree on much. Julian found Jake a bit pretentious and so does Jake find Julian to be kind of full of himself. But they mostly enjoyed each other’s company. Then, joint almost gone, the conversation took a sharp turn.

 

“So why aren’t you at Dalton like Riley?” Julian asked.

“Why’d you get written off your show?” Jake retorted. 

Julian just shrugs in response, defensively.

Jake leaned in and whispered. “Because I’m pretty sure it’s the same reason.”

“And what reason would that be?” 

Jake took Julian’s arm, Julian jumping slightly at the touch, and pointed to his vein gently with his finger. Julian recoiled.

 

Of course, the rumors of Julian’s rehab stint by this point had circulated some. But so had rumors that he had a love child with Courtney Love’s and Kurt Cobain’s daughter. All in all, the truth of Julian’s drug addiction was a well kept secret. At school, only Derek, Logan, and Danny knew all Julian had been through while filming Second Hand Lines freshmen year. Derek and Logan knew because they are his best friends. And Danny knew because he had found Julian once on the verge of shooting himself up and stopped him. And he knew, more than most Dalton boys, about the almost magnetic pull of self-destruction. But Riley, as far as Julian knew, was completely in the dark. So the thought of Jake knowing something or thinking he knew something was more than a bit concerning.

 

Seeing this concern on Julian’s face, Jake told him “don’t worry, he doesn’t know.”

“And?”

“And…”

“And you won’t tell him.”

“No, he’d be really upset. He doesn’t like drugs. He’d break up with you like that." Riley snaps his fingers. "He only lets me stick around because I'm his brother and even that's iffy.”

“I know,” Julian said wistfully. 

“And you’re fine with that?”

“I’m a better person around him.”

“Good for you,” Jake said. 

“Your brother is great,” Julian argues. “You should be nicer to him. He cares about you.”

“Whoop-di-do. Look, Larson. The truth is you don’t know him, not as well as I do, what you’ve been dating like two weeks?”

“Three.”

“And you don’t know me.”

“Well, you sure as hell don’t know me. And you shouldn't believe everything you read in Us Weekly."

"I know a junkie when I see one."

"Fuck you."

 

Any ounce of cordialness was gone by now. But still, as Julian slipped back into the house, and went up the stairs to curl up next to Riley, Jake got the last word.

 

“If you want to get to know each other sometime, just let me know.”

Julian pretended not to hear him.


	5. Chapter 5

It wasn’t like it was Jake alone that brought Julian back onto drugs. It had to do with a lot of things. Little things, mostly. Like Logan getting a new boyfriend - some sweet kid with a great voice named Joshua. And Dolce going through a health scare - though the mole turned out to be benign, thank goodness. And the college counselors starting to ask Julian about his future - which they insisted had to be bright.

“Art school? Time off?”

“Do you even want to go college Julian? You’re Julian Larson, after all. It’s your decision.”

“We’d advise you to keep your options open, of course. A degree is a great backup plan, in case acting falls through.”

It also, perhaps a bit unfairly, had to do with Riley. For the most part Riley was a gentle giant and a really, really great boyfriend who only wanted to be a better one. But being around him was a bit of a mind fuck sometimes. Because Riley Paige was very intense. Which brought out a similar intensity in Julian, who was already a perfectionist overachiever in his own right. Everything became a game. 

“Let’s do our homework as fast as we can.” 

“Got a script to memorize? Memorize all the parts and I’ll test you.” 

“You have to read this book Julian I heard they’re shopping the film rights.”

Then, a few days later. “So how what are your thoughts on the book?”

And then he asked for his thoughts on different current events in the news because Riley read multiple newspapers.“You got to read the New York Times’ opinion section, for the left. And the Wall Street Journals’ opinion section, for the right. That way you’re getting a bit of both. But you aren’t getting, you know, Fox News. That’s not news, that’s propaganda.”

And then there was their sex life, which was just as intense. Things often got rough. Which Julian liked, even preferred, for the most part. He just wasn’t really used to it - just the intensity and, especially, handling the comedown. And it didn’t help that they didn’t really talk about it either. Sure, there was part of him that knew they should be talking about it more. But he didn’t want to make Riley feel weird about what he liked. And he was afraid a conversation about sex might bring up things in his past he’d rather not talk about. Like his lost Second Hand Lines months and drug addiction, which he still was very much hiding from Riley. So he just kind of let everything happen however it happened and that was that.

This led to them falling into an unhealthy pattern where often, after sex, Riley would rush off to cross country or debate practice and Julian would be left there alone with a pit in his stomach, feeling abandoned. It wasn’t so much a conscious feeling as a subconscious one. He started getting pangs of anxiety when Riley wasn’t with him. And when they were together he sometimes wondered, does he really even like me?Even though he knew, rationally, Riley did. Riley was so sweet to him the rest of the time. Why couldn’t he trust him?

So Julian started popping Xanax after, and then before, just to relax. He had found it in the Stuart common room cabinet and tore off the label. He told himself it wasn’t that big of a deal. He was going to be at Dalton at least until May, and the drugs would be flushed out his system before a drug test was needed by a studio. He really, really liked being with Riley and wanted to make him happy.

But, one day, even with the drugs, Julian couldn’t keep up the masque. Again, it wasn’t just one thing. Riley was super stressed about chemistry. Jake had come home last night with a black eye. Julian didn’t know why Riley was angry and distracted, he just knew that he was. It also didn’t help matters that Logan and Julian had gotten into a terse conversation earlier that day about Spring vacation of all things. 

“Should I book a ticket for you or not? Should I even bother? It’s a lot of money.”

“Of course he’s coming. Right, Jules?” Derek had chimed in.

“I told you. I don’t know.”

After they hooked up, when Riley was about to run off like usual, barely kissing him goodbye, Julian let his guard down and showed emotion instead of feigning everything was great. Riley, to his credit, caught on immediately. 

“J? What’s wrong? Was it okay?

“I just. Do you have to leave?” 

“Practice starts in 5 minutes.”

“Okay. But do you _always_ have to leave? Like right after?” Julian voice hitched. He sounded like he was about to cry. 

“Fuck. You’re right. I shouldn’t do that. I’m sorry.” Riley sat down beside Julian and wrapped him in his arms. 

“You can go to practice, it’s fine. Really.”

“I don’t want to go.” 

“You should go.”

“Julian, I don’t want to. I want to stay here and make sure you’re okay.”

“I just like to be held sometimes, after. That’s all. I mean, if it’s going to be like…that.”

“Okay. We’ll always cuddle from now on,” Riley replied gently. “Julian look at me. You know I love you, right?”

He wanted to say it back. He really did. But instead he just nodded. But you don’t know me, he thought. That feeling of just being carefree Julian around Riley they had in the beginning was gone. 

Riley kissed Julian on the forehead,“It’s okay. You’re okay.”

After that day Riley was very careful with Julian. Maybe a little too careful sometimes, because it’s not like he wanted to be treated like a fragile doll. But the extra attention did help some. But, the thing is, by that point it was already too late. Because the casual pill popping had set off Julian’s desire for some codeine. 

Julian knew he shouldn’t be getting his drugs from Dalton boys unless he wanted to get caught. And he really didn’t want to be suspended and sent home for something like that because, after all, Dalton meant everything to him. He just needed something more to take the edge off. So, while Riley was taking a shower, he wandered quietly into Jake’s room. 

“Here’s $500. Prescription only, okay?”

“Okay.”

Jake smirked.

“Don’t smirk at me.”

“Are you going to say thank you?”

“No.”

“You’re welcome, Larson.”

And it was a small smirk, most people would have missed it. But Julian smirked back. And Jake noticed.


	6. Chapter 6

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when Logan and Julian stopped talking to each other about what was really going on in their lives. It kind of happened slowly over time. Like, one day kind of out of nowhere the Senator had threatened to put Logan in an in-patient program that summer if he didn’t comply better with his meds. Usually this was the kind of stress that Logan would unload about onto Julian and Derek. And they’d listen and console him. Maybe give some advice, so he could better deal with the pressure.

“Your dad’s an asshole.”  
“You deserve better.”  
“You can always stay in LA with me this summer.”

They were always there for him. But this time, even though Julian was physically there in the flesh by the coffee cart putting way too much sugar in his ridiculous drink, he didn’t seem there. So Logan just kept the phone conversation to himself. He talked to Derek, instead, a few days later.

“Well you know what I think about it,” Derek said tentatively. “You should just follow the doctor’s orders so you can establish their trust. That way they’ll be more likely to listen to you when you have to make adjustments. What does Julian say?”  
Logan shrugged. “He’s off with his boyfriend.”  
“You can still talk to him.”  
“Yeah, I guess.”

So even though it wasn’t exactly a great time for Logan to get a boyfriend, he quickly found himself seeking one out. And Joshua was very sweet, and cute, and simple. Innocent. He had a pretty voice. Logan enjoyed having someone to woo. He wasn’t trying to replace Julian. Really. And if they kind of looked similar, it was a total coincidence. And if he became frustrated when Joshua’s well meaning advice didn’t make him feel better, it wasn’t just because he knew Julian would know what to say. And, yeah, the fact that Joshua always flinches around him after one of his outbursts doesn’t make him feel great. But honestly, he should learn to not ask so much of people. Anyway, that’s what Logan begins to tell himself.

Weeks flew by and then one day Derek convinced Logan and Julian to go polar bear swimming with him, just the three of them. And even though Logan and Julian’s estrangement had been a long time coming, this day became the final nail in the coffin.

They always went to this small lake on the north-side of campus where there was a rope swing you could hang on. In the summer it got crowded but since it was April and the water was still freezing cold they had the whole lake to themselves. Julian was looking forward to jumping in for the adrenaline rush to boost his high. Logan was looking forward to jumping in so he could “feel something” through his meds. And Derek, who was in the middle of lacrosse season trying to push through a plateau in training, hoped the cold would help him recover faster.

Julian was taking off his shirt when both Logan and Derek noticed the bruises.  
“What the fuck.”  
“What?”  
Logan pointed to a large bruise on Julians’s torso and marks up and down.  
“What is that? Did he do that to you!?”  
“Jesus, Lo. Calm down, it’s nothing.”  
“Don’t tell me to calm down. You’re hurt! He-”  
“I’m not hurt. Not that it’s any of your business, but it’s from sex. Consensual, good sex. So can we all just drop it?”

Julian really was telling the truth that Riley wasn’t abusing him. In fact, Riley had been very concerned when he saw the bruises too, and kept apologizing and promising to be gentler. Really they looked worse than they felt. And they were only this bad because of the rotating cocktail of opiates Julian was now on which caused him to bruise more easily. So if anything it was Julian’s fault, not Riley’s.

Derek accepted this explanation, albeit with his eyebrows raised, and tried to change the subject. Eventually, they all jumped in the freezing water.

But Logan had trouble letting it go. When they toweled off, shivering, Derek decided he wanted to go on a run to warm up his muscles again. So it was just the two of them when Logan leaned close to Julian’s face and asked the question.

“If he’s abusing you, you’d tell me, right?”

Julian meant to answer: yes, Logan. Of course I’d tell you. You’re my best friend. But, probably because he was high right then and cold as fuck, he’d lost all his rationality, his patience, his empathy, and his inhibitions. So he said, “Like I told you, Riley is a saint. Anyone can see that. I’m not going to apologize for having a sex life. Would you interrogate Derek this much over a little bruise?”  
“It’s not just one bruise, Julian. And Casey’s not 6 foot 4. And yes. Yes I would.”

And then, after Logan still seemed unsatisfied, Julian added, in a flat tone, “Just because you shove the people you love into pianos, doesn’t mean everyone does.”

Okay, so I guess you _could_  pinpoint when Logan and Julian stopped talking to each other.

Logan blinked in disbelief of what Julian just said. Then when Derek got back he somehow managed to compose himself and announced, steadily, “So I decided to take Joshua on the Spring Break trip. So congratulations, Julian, you’re off the hook.”  
“Ri and I are going to Italy.”  
“That works out then.”  
“It does.”  
“What, no. It won’t be as fun!”  
“Well that’s just the way it’s going to be then,” Julian said and stomped off.  
“What happened? What did you say to him?”  
“I have no idea what his problem is. But I can tell you, I’m done pretending we’re all still friends.” Logan threw his hands up in the air with finality.  
“What are you talking about? Of course we’re friends.”  
“ _We’re_ still friends. You and me. Maybe you and him, I don’t know. But me and him? He’s changed, Derek. You just can’t see it because you’re naive.”

That’s how the end of their junior year passes by quickly. In a blur. Julian got really good at hiding his addiction problem, keeping up with school work, and playing the role of the really good boyfriend. He got a sick feeling of pride about it. And then summer break came around. Derek had his intensive sports training and Logan had negotiated his way into an out-patient clinic, which turned out to be not so bad. He finally got on some medication that didn't make him feel numb. Which only made him miss Julian more.

When the Stuart Trio’s annual Hamptons time rolled around, Julian declined the Seigerson and Wright family invitations to stay over by apologizing that he had to film. Only he didn’t have to film. He hadn’t even been auditioning. Instead he’d been out in LA, back on the same streets, with the same people, chasing the same highs. Ignoring Riley’s Facetimes until he was sober enough again to answer them. It helped that Riley was booked solid with basketball camps, music sessions, and service trips. Though being apart meant that Julian was lonely, which was never good. He wanted to be a good boyfriend, he really did. The kind that would never cheat. But somehow, in LA, that idea slipped away fast. So he just wanted to make sure Riley never found out.

And through all this, somehow, it never crossed neither Logan or Derek’s mind that maybe Julian was back on drugs. They thought, friends go through up and downs. Relationships change. Our romantic lives take precedence, that’s normal. It’s Riley. It’s stress. It’s junior year. It’s Logan’s mood swings. It’s not Julian. He’ll come around back to us. Julian always comes back.


End file.
